To my readers:

For those of you who follow this blog on Facebook, you would have seen a post recently describing the shift which has occurred within the blog.  For those who are new to the blog or who follow the blog through other avenues, you may be a little confused.  I wanted to take some time before the New Year started to do a “relaunch”, of sorts. I wanted to take some time to describe who I am, my perspective, and how I got to where I am now.  Here goes…

When you go into private practice as a therapist, one of the first questions you have to ask yourself is “What should I name my private practice?”.  General internet searches will tell you to either go with your name or a theoretical perspective which guides you as a clinician.  I decided to go with a theoretical perspective.  I wanted something that emphasized my perspective that it is impossible to understand a person without understanding their environment.  Not just the environment in which they are currently, but also the environments and social interactions which have gotten them to this point.

As a social worker by training, I have always appreciated of the systems and “Person-In-Environment” that makes the social work perspective unique.  I believe that we are social beings as such those social aspects have an impact on us as a person.  However, I do not limit “Person-In-Environment” to the current environment.  I believe that past environments and past social interactions have developmental implications; that is, what happened in the past impacts the person we are today.  If we want to better understand the person we are today, it means we must understand how the past and current environments and social implications have impacted us within the past and how they are currently impacting us.

so•cial con•text/ noun/ the circumstances that form the development of a person; experiences, social interactions, perspectives; through which a person can be understood.

When I first started this blog, I was working as a school-based social worker providing emotionally and behaviorally based interventions to kindergarten through high school students. Thus, many of the interventions described originally were targeted toward that population.  As I have made the transition to private practice, I have decided to have my blog reflect my work with individuals, families, and couples. The intent of this blog is to provide practical information and interventions to help people along their own paths to become their best selves and live their best lives.

I originally thought about deleting older posts to reflect the current shift.  However, I thought that in keeping with my social context perspective it was important to keep these posts.  Both as a reflection of my own professional development, but also as valuable resources for people who have found the information to be helpful.

I have appreciated everyone who has taken the time to support me on this journey.  I look forward to providing you with great content in the future.  Feel free to comment on our Facebook, Instagram, or within the comment section of this blog if there are specific topics you would like to hear more about.

Sincerely,

Teralyn

We have been discussing healthy boundaries throughout the last few posts as an act of self-preservation in which you enforce boundaries to help protect yourself.  In our previous blog post about setting healthy boundaries with toxic people, we discussed communicating your boundaries assertively.  You may have noticed that we talk about assertive communication quite a bit and you would be right.  In this post we are going to discuss what assertive communication is, why it is important, and what it looks like.

What is assertive communication?

Assertive communication is a style of communication in which a person stands up for their own needs in a way that is also respectful to other people.  This telling someone what you want/need in a way that is not yelling/screaming, which would be aggressive communication, or in a way that prioritizes the other person’s needs, which would be passive communication.  The goal is to find the happy middle between bullying someone into giving you want you want and allowing other people to walk all over you.

Why is assertive communication important?

The purpose of all communication is to relay a message to another person. In doing so, we want to make sure we are sending messages as efficiently as possible.  In passive communication, you are sending a message that the other person’s needs/wants are of a higher priority than yours. Often in passive communication, the needs/wants of the person are not communicated to the other party at all. If the goal is for that person to recognize your needs/wants, you are not being effective in your communication.

In aggressive communication, you are sending a message that your needs/wants are more important than the other person.  Often in aggressive communication, the needs/wants of the other person are not considered at all.  While it may be more effective in sending the message of your wants/needs, it may not be effective in getting the desired results.  Imagine a person walks up to you and starts yelling and demanding something from you.  How likely are you to give that person what they want?  Maybe you comply in the beginning, but if it continued to happen would you continue to comply?

Most people are most likely to respond to the needs and wants of others if they feel that their needs and wants are also being taken into consideration and respected.  This is why assertive communication is so important. It allows you to make your needs and wants known, while also being open and receptive to the needs and wants of others. This increases the likeliness of finding a middle ground between parties which would lead to a compromise.  It’s a win-win strategy.

What does assertive communication look like?

Constructing an assertive statement can be difficult especially if it is not something that you have done before.  To set the groundwork for assertive communication, we suggest that you:

• Figure out what you would like to tell the other person in advance. Having an idea of what you plan to communicate helps you stay on track during the discussion by reminding yourself of why you started the discussion in the beginning.
• Express your feelings and thoughts calmly. As we mentioned before, the point is to demonstrate respect for yourself and the other person.  When we discuss our feelings and thoughts in an angry or aggressive way, people are more likely to respond in an angry/aggressive way because they will feel attacked.
• Be prepared to walk away. As we mentioned in our previous post, the goal of setting boundaries and assertive communication is to protect yourself.  Sometimes, that means saying “No” and walking away when you need to.

Now that we have laid the ground rules for assertive communication, we are going to tell you how we suggest you craft an assertive statement.  Our model for assertive statements consists of five components:

1) Describe the behavior.

You want to take the time and describe explicitly what was done that made you uncomfortable.  We suggest starting the statements with “When I see…” or “When ______ happened…”.  The goal is to avoid judgment or making assumptions.  If you want someone to change their behavior, you must first be able to describe what exactly it is that you want them to change.

2) Share your thoughts.

We won’t go into the dynamics between thoughts and feelings here (we will save that for another blog post); however, it is important to recognize and express the thoughts you had about the behavior.  We suggest starting this section with statements like “What I think is…” or “That reminded me of when…”.

3) Share your feelings.

It is important to avoid comments that are unclear, such as “I feel like”.  We suggest using actual emotion words such as “worried”, “frustrated”, “reassured”, or “confused”.  This statement might start with “I feel…” or “I felt…”.

4) Suggest an alternative.

Remember, the goal is usually to get the other person to change their behavior.  It is important to express to that person a preferred alternative.  It should be an option that is acceptable to you and also realistic for the other person. Statements could start with “What I would prefer would be…” or “I would rather…”.

5) Identify Consequences.

Part of setting boundaries is communicating those boundaries and what will happen if those boundaries are not respected.  The consequence can be positive or negative, but it needs to be something that you are 100% wiling to follow through.  We do not suggest that the consequence be an threat or an ultimatums as they are often damaging to relationships and contradictory to what you are trying to achieve in assertive communication.  Also, specify a time or deadline.  This sets the expectation and provides an enforcement date/time.

EXAMPLE:

¹“When I tried to discuss my concerns with you, you did not respond.   ² It makes me think that you did not value my opinion. ³I felt frustrated and angry.  ⁴I would rather you acknowledge that you heard me or let me know that it is not a good time to talk.  ⁵I am willing to hold my concerns until a more appropriate time.  If this behavior continues, I will stop discussing my concerns with you.”

As you can see from the example, assertive communication allows you the opportunity to clearly state what you disliked, what you thought and felt about it, what you would prefer, and what you are willing to do about it.  It states your position clearly and then places the ball in the court of the other person to decide if they will or will not respect your position.  Once again, you can only control yourself, you cannot control other people.

As you can also see, assertive communication may not roll of the tongue as easily as other forms of communication.  It is best done when you take the time to construct your statement in advance.  It also takes practice.  We often suggest using this same framework to construct positive statements to make you more comfortable implementing the pieces.

No matter how assertively you communicate yourself, you cannot make another person respect your boundaries.  However, you can walk away knowing you expressed yourself clearly, calmly, and respectfully.

We received a request from one of our Instagram followers to discuss setting healthy boundaries with unhealthy/toxic people.  They must have read our mind!  As we mentioned in our previous post, we have been focusing on setting healthy boundaries this holiday season.  We started that conversation by discussing setting healthy boundaries in general, but it can be especially hard to set healthy boundaries with toxic people.  Below we are going to give you 7 steps to help you set healthy boundaries with toxic people.

1. Identify the toxic person.

This may seem obvious, but it is not as obvious as it may seem.  Sometimes when we are in a toxic relationship or environment we have adjusted to that environment over time until we are unable to identify it is toxic. Environments and people may not have been toxic in the beginning, but rather developed over time.  As such, it may be difficult to identify that the environment or person is actually toxic.

When working with clients, I often tell them that the way to tell if someone or something is toxic for you is to listen to your instincts.  Usually, we get a sensation in our body which will indicate to us that something is wrong. Often, we will disregard that feeling and tell ourselves that we are “overreacting” or that it “nothing”.  But, there is a reason your body is trying to tell you something.  Often, we can sense things beyond what our eyes, ears, and brain can sense.  Listen to your body.  Its job is to protect you and keep you alive.  It knows what it is doing.

2. Understand your emotions, opinion, and values.

We mentioned this in our previous blog post.  This means taking the time, after you listen to your body, and figure out how you feel. What specifically is it that this person is saying or doing that you identify as toxic?  We will talk about this more in future blog posts; however, it is important to define what the problem is for you.  It does not have to be a problem that everyone will agree is a problem, it just needs to be a problem for you.

3. Identify limits.

Once you have identified the problem, identify possible solutions.  For example, if you identify the problems as someone who always wants you to pay for items and not willing to pay for items themselves.  You may decide to set a possible limit as being willing to pay for items 50% of the time.  The solution does not have to be “all or nothing”.  It does not have to be a hard limit.

4. Set limits.

As we mentioned above, the limit does not have to be a hard limit or an ultimatum.  In an ideal world, you would tell the other person your limit and they would respect it or you could have a discussion and set a limit which works for both people.  However, when dealing with people who are particularly toxic, this may not be the case. If you can discuss it with the person and come up with an agreement, this would be the best-case scenario. However, remember that boundaries are a form of self-preservation.  You are try to preserve yourself, not the other person.  These limits are to help you, not to help the other person.

5. Enforce limits.

Enforcing limits is the most difficult part of the process.  It requires you to assertively communicate your limits to another person as well as what you are willing to do if someone does not respect your limits. We will discuss how to construct a statement like this in a later post.

6. Be prepared to walk away.

This is more of a mental step than an actual step.  We have added it as its own step because it is important to come to an understanding within yourself of what you are willing to do to enforce the limit.  If you set a limit and then do not enforce the consequences of that limit, the other person will continue to disregard the limits you have set.  People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  While you cannot control their actions, you can control how you react and respond.  If someone is not willing to respect your limits, you have the right to limit their role in your life.

7. Walk away, (if necessary).

This may mean physically walking away or various other forms of distancing yourself from the person.  This may be extremely difficult when it comes to family members or close friends.  However, if they cannot respect your limits, they do not need to have 100% access to you.  Walking away may mean limiting the amount of time that you spend with someone. Setting limits on the time that you do spend with them.  Walking away does not necessarily have to come as the result of a huge scene or fight. It can be as subtle as not returning someone’s phone calls as frequently and setting boundaries of how long you will allow a conversation with the person to last before you “need to go”.

Remember, boundaries are about self-preservation.  Be kind to yourself and respect yourself.  Even if it is not perfect, some boundaries are better than no boundaries.

The holidays are upon us. While for many people this is a joyous time filled with family gatherings, love, and great food; this is not the case for everyone.  By now the #thanksgivingclapback memes have started flooding your social media newsfeeds. While they are funny, what they are not is healthy boundaries.

Let’s take a minute to stop and really discuss healthy boundaries within relationships and what that really means.  People often discuss healthy boundaries, but without providing any clear definition and example.  In essence, healthy boundaries are an act of self-preservation.  They are a recognition that you cannot be all things to all people and the recognition that trying to be all things to all people will wear you down. Healthy boundaries are the gray area between “Do whatever you want!” and “No!”.  It is about recognizing your limitations in a way that is respectful to you and someone else.

Healthy boundaries are about valuing your own opinion and values, while also respecting the values and opinions of others.  The thing that makes healthy boundaries so difficult is that it takes a lot of introspection.  In order to respect yourself and your boundaries, you must first know your limits.  Identify how you feel about it and listen to your emotions.  Often our emotions are telling us something important.

Once you understand your emotions, your opinion, and your values; it is time to set your limits. Once you set your limits, enforce them. Be assertive.  Setting limits and enforcing them does not have to be disrespectful to others.  It also does not mean you have to cut people completely out of your life.  It is about understanding how much time, energy, and effort you can put into a relationship and walking away you hit that limit.

Lastly, healthy boundaries are developed over time.  It is not something that you will be able to implement with 100% accuracy the first time you try.  It also takes time to understand what a healthy boundary looks like for you.  Bottom line, healthy boundaries are a learning process.  Be kind to yourself and respect yourself.  Even if it is not perfect, some boundaries are better than no boundaries.