I first came upon Bringing up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman at my local library. I must admit I was initially very skeptical. There is a plethora of sources that express countless parenting strategies, what would make this book different than any other strategy? Additionally, as an American, I was slightly offended at the concept that Americans needed to “learn how to parent” from the French. However, as I began reading the book, I quickly became aware that this book is targeted to a very specific audience and with a very specific message.
The author, Pamela Druckerman, makes it very clear throughout the book that she is discusses differences between middle class families in both America and in France. In these families, parents are often well educated and have successful careers. They approach parenting similar to how they have approached their education and careers, with considerable research and conviction. Unfortunately, researching parenting tips and guides can often leave parents more confused. This book offers an attempt to filter various parenting research based on a proven model, the French model.
While the author does not spend a great deal of time discusses theoretical perspectives of her work, it is clear the crux of the book is an attempt to navigate between permissive and authoritarian parenting styles to achieve the much desired, authoritative parenting style.
Authoritarian parenting is often thought of as strict parenting. It is a style in which parents provide strict specific rules to their children and receive punishments for even the smallest infraction. In interaction with children, parents often do not provide context or understanding to the child about the rules. The priority is for the child to be obedient. Children are not encouraged to express themselves or formulate their own opinions. As a result of this strict parenting style, children are prone to low self-esteem. They often have difficulty in social interactions as they wait to be told what to do and what not to do.
On the other end of the spectrum is Permissive parenting. This style of parenting is often seen as the indulgent parent. In this style, the parents are loving and nurturing but often fail to provide clear and consistent structure/rules. Parents tend to be lenient to avoid confrontation and are often exhausted by their inability to control their child. As a result of this parenting style, children often grow up without self-control and self-discipline. They tend to lack the ability to self-regulate and experience problem with authority. Parents who may have had authoritarian parents often adopt this style as an extreme opposite to their upbringing.
Authoritative parenting, is considered to be the best of both worlds as it is considered to be the most effective parenting style. In this style, parents have a high expectation for their children while understanding that children are bound to make mistakes, from which they can learn. Parents have reasonable rules and structure that they provide to their children, they have an open communication with children, and take their children’s thoughts and feelings into consideration. However, the authoritative parent understand that it is ultimately themselves who are in charge and make the final decisions. Key in this parenting approach is understanding that each child is different, thus adult responses should be tailored to the specific child. Children raised under this style tend to grow up happy, capable, and successful.
Unfortunately, there is no manual that describes how to obtain this magical middle ground. While many resources offer suggestions and tips, there are few that provide step-by-step instruction. While many parents desire to implement rules and structure for their children in a way that is respectful to their autonomy, they are often unsure of when a child is ready. Inability to determine when a child needs more freedom or less freedom, can put parents into an eternal state of panic. In this book, Druckerman provides a developmental timeline and discusses strategies available at each stage.
She provides an amazing account of how she made the journey from Permissive, American mother to an Authoritative, French-inspired mother. Her book provides excellent tips as well as research to demonstrate this transition. Most importantly, she stresses the importance of understanding that it is not an adjustment that can be made overnight. The transition from permissive to authoritative parent occurred gradually over time. Similarly, the authoritative style of parenting gradually changes over time, there is no stage of completion.
Druckman provides an amazing blend of research, conventional wisdom, and reality that makes this book relatable to mothers of all ages and stages. Her ability to bear her soul and honestly express her experiences decreases the shame and guilt that can be experienced by all mothers. I highly recommend this book to mothers everywhere.
Additional resources for those interested in learning more about parenting styles:
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