It is not uncommon for current events to come up as a topic of discussion in therapy sessions.  As a result, I have been having several discussions with clients regarding the topic of George Floyd and the current protests.  While I recognize that this might not be a topic many clinicians would be comfortable discussing for a number of valid reasons, as a black, female, social worker I choose to engage in these discussions.

I am fortunate to work with a diverse population of clients and as a result I’ve had this discussion using various lenses and perspectives.  Below are some of the questions I’ve received and how I choose to answer them.

 

Q: I am really upset with what happened and really sad; however, I am not a BIPOC.  Am I even allowed to be upset?  Is this even my fight?

Yes, this is your fight.  Yes, you are allowed to be upset.  As humans, it is empathy that allows us to understand and share the feelings of others.  While you may not have the same lived experience, it is reasonable to understand and share the feelings of sadness, anger, and outrage that are shared across communities at this time.

 

Q: What can I say to a BIPOC to demonstrate that I understand and not make this about me and my feelings?

Something as simple as “I see it”.  Can be really powerful statement.  For many BIPOC who have shared their experiences, there has been constant dismissal which comes in the form of:

• “That never happened”.
• “I’ve never been treated that way.”
• “Well, if they just would have…”

These statements invalidate the lived experiences of BIPOC.  Everyone just wants to be heard, loved, and respected.  Simply saying “I see it.  I hear you. I love you.” can be a powerful start.  Granted, this won’t change systemic racism. But, it is something.

 

Q: What can I say to other non-BIPOC/ other POC about the protests?

One of the distinctions I find to be helpful in discussing this topic is that while the narrative of George Floyd and other black people who died in interactions with the police are often centered on racism alone, there deeper ways to view this topic.

• Racism exists.  It is endemic to our society. It is well documented historically and continues to play a large part of all of our current systems.  It can be seen in housing segregation, public education, public health, etc. If you would like more information about this, you can  check out the entire catalogue of NPR Code Switch’s podcasts which discusses these topics at length. (https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/)
• Police officers kill Americans at an alarming rate, especially Black Americans:

Every year, more than a thousand people are killed by a police officer in the United States. And that is many more people than are killed in other countries with similarly advanced economies. For example, last year, someone who lives in the U.S. was almost 60 times as likely to be killed by police as someone in the United Kingdom. And within the U.S., there is also a big disparity. A black American like George Floyd is about three times as likely to be killed by police as a white person. – Cardiff Garcia, NPR The Indicator Podcast (https://www.npr.org/2020/06/03/869176943/police-unions-and-civilian-deaths)

• There is a historical context to the relationship between Black Americans and  American Policing.  (https://www.npr.org/2020/06/03/869046127/american-police).
• Lack of accountability for previous killings have contributed to the level of frustrations of todays protestors. (https://www.npr.org/2020/05/29/865261916/a-decade-of-watching-black-people-die)

 

Q: How can we build towards the future if people can’t agree on these events?

One of the things that often occurs when you work with couples is the concept that there are several variations of truths.  The concept that two different people can experience the same situation and have different accounts of what occurred.  This is especially true when it comes to couples counseling.

Often what feels important is for there to be a shared understanding of what occurred previously, but this is not always feasible. The way memories are stored and remembered is highly predicated on how we felt about an event rather than an autobiographical understanding of what occurred (Think Riley from the Disney Pixar movie Inside Out).  We can’t always come to a shared meaning about an historic event.  But, we can come to a understanding of where we want to be in the future.  We can actively work to build towards the shared future we all want.

 

I’ve added the links to several podcasts because I feel that they are relatively easy way to gain general knowledge about these very difficult topics.

-Teralyn

Y’all… This has been a difficult week.  As I’ve been meeting with my clients this week a number of topics have come up and I thought it would be helpful to write a blog post for others out there who may be having similar experiences.  I know that many people may be losing access to their mental health services in a time where they are very valuable.  My goal is to provide as much support as I can to as many people as I can during this time.

During this week, I’ve learned a few things based on my experience and the experiences of my clients. This is what I’ve learned:

• I am not as productive as I would like/should be.

• It is hard to set a schedule/adjust to this “new normal”.

• I find myself being critical of myself for #1 and #2.

Personally, I had the misconception that “working from home” would mean that I would have more time to accomplish tasks.  There’s no commute to work. I don’t have to worry about picking up and dropping the kids at school.  My doctoral program is already online so that shouldn’t be any real adjustment.  I WAS WRONG.

Outside of having to now do “learn from home” with my kids and teleworking, I’m finding it very difficult to concentrate in general.  Many of my clients have confessed that they’ve been zoning out, watching tv, and/or sleeping more than usual.  For my clients, I’ve been describing this as similar to when your browser starts to run slowly because you have too many tabs open at one time.  While we all have things that we “need” to concentrate on, there are a lot of worries and fears associated with this pandemic that are running in the background.  Carrying to mental load of keeping ourselves, our family members, worrying about others, etc. It is exhausting.  Thus, it is not uncommon to feel more fatigue during these times.  Mental load plus additional tasks are making it difficult for me to be as productive as I would like, and that’s okay.

As a working mom with two kids, I generally have a schedule that we follow every week.  For most people, our work schedule provides a certain amount of structure to our days.  Many of my clients, who are now working from home, have identified that it is much harder for them to get into a set routine/structure.  Some people find themselves working more hours than they did in their office.  Others, find it hard to figure out what they should be doing when.  We often think that we can bring the structure of one setting into the structure of the next setting.  While we can sometimes transition seamlessly between environments, often we require a period of adjustment.  I am going to suggest looking at the “difficulty getting into a schedule” as an adjustment period.  While we may have had a plan for how we will accomplish this plan, once we are in the new setting we may need to make several adjustments and that’s okay.

Lastly, I have found myself being more critical of myself for not being as productive as I “should be” and not having a schedule.  We tend to have expectations of ourselves and can be critical when we are not meeting the benchmarks that we have set for ourselves.  For myself and my clients, I have been discussing the topics of:

• Patience

• Self-compassion

This means being patient with myself, my significant other, my children, and people in general.  These are stressful times but we are all in this together.  Things are not going to go the way that we want and are not going to look the way that we want. In these times of uncertainty, our ability to be patient with ourselves and others is one of the things of which we do have control.  Additionally, this is an excellent opportunity to practice self-compassion.  Extending compassion to ourselves in instances of perceived inadequacy or failure is important.  We are all learning something new and experiencing novel experiences during this global pandemic.  It’s is okay for us to not be as proficient or as effective as we feel that we should be. I would also suggest extending that compassion out to those around us as they are also experiencing similar feelings.

Thank you for taking the time to read this today and I hope that you have found it helpful.  I generally like to end my posts with some action steps.  I find it helpful to give some information but also action steps to help with implementation.  So… here are my action steps for next week:

• Figure out what has worked for me this week.

• Figure out where I could make an adjustment for next week.

As I mentioned earlier, we are in an adjustment period.  While we are not sure how long we will be in this adjustment period or this “new normal”, we can focus on how to make this period work for us as best as we can.  Focusing on what has worked for you this week allows you time to reflect on what has been helpful.  Many of my clients have reported that physical activity such as running or yoga have been helpful in decreasing some of the everyday stress they have been feeling.  Those might not work for you, but I think it is helpful to figure out what is helping you currently manage your stress.

Secondly, we can often be critical when things are not working the way that we like. (Hence the patience and self-compassion I discussed earlier). Viewing what isn’t working through the lens of patience and self-compassion allows us to make a non-judgmental assessment of what isn’t working and how we could make it better.  The goal here is progress, not perfection.  My goal is to continuously make adjustments until I find something that works for me.  I encourage you to do the same.

I hope this has been helpful! Everyone please stay safe!

-Teralyn

As a couples and family therapist, I find that miscommunication between couples is often the foundation for difficulties within the relationship.  A common complaint I frequently hear between couples is “it’s like we are speaking different languages”, and often that is in fact the case. While there may be a common language, the meaning and interpretation of those words differ depending on the person. I often explain to couples that there are 6 points of communication between couples and miscommunication can occur at any one of these points.

Step 1 – Formulation of Thoughts/Feelings

Many of us tend to think and formulate our thoughts about an event or a feeling we have.  For some people, this is a short process.  For others, it can be a longer process. In general, we tend to have a specific perspective or opinion that we would like to share with another person.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• We do not have a clear formulation of how we feel or what we think about something.
• We have a general idea of how we feel or what we think but we are not able to drill down and determine why we think or feel that way.
• We have a specific idea of how we feel or what we think but are unable to connect it to specific actions of another person.

Step 2 – Constructing the Outgoing Message

Language is complicated. Sometimes it is difficult to determine how we want to word the message we are sending out.  Is it better to use “you” statements or “I” statements?  How strongly should I word my statement?

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• We use a lot of vague wording when constructing our statements.  For example, “It feels like when you…”
• We use too little wording when constructing our statements. For example, “I don’t like that”.
• Our thoughts and feelings seem to be unconnected.  For example, “I am upset with you today for this thing I think you did in the past but is not correlated to a recent event”.

Step 3 – Sending Out the Message

Delivery matters.  The way that a message is sent is often more important than the actual words that are said.  You can say the exact same message but the tone and body language you use with those words can alter the delivery of the message and impact how the message is received to the other person.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• We use overly harsh tone or body language when delivering the message.  It is easy to speak passionately about topics that matter to us, but if we are too passionate in our delivery it can come across as an attack to the other person.
• We use a tone or body language that underrepresents our feelings on the topic.  We use language that indicates that when we are saying is not as important to us as it really might be.  This can make it difficult for your partner to understand how important this topic is to you.

Step 4 – Partner Receives the Message

It is important to remember that two people in a relationship have different brains that stem from the different experiences they have had.  Just because you were clear in your outgoing message, does not mean that the person receiving the message is reading it the way you sent it. They will read your message through the lens of their brain, which means they may make connections or interpretations that are different than your original message.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• The intended message sent from the original person is not interpreted the same way by the receiver.
• The receiver interprets the message with their own understanding and assumptions that may or may not be connected to the original message.
• The history of previous communication with the original person impacts how the current message is being interpreted by the receiver.

Step 5 – Partner Constructs a Response Message

Similar to Step 2, the person who receives the message must also determine how they are going to respond. What types of words should they use? Are their words equal to the words they received in the original message?

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• The partner constructs a message that they feel matches the statement received from the original message, but it does not.
• The partner constructs a message that does not match the statement received from the original message.
• The partner constructs a message that does not appear to relate to the original statement at all.

Step 6 – Partner Sends Out a Response Message

Similar to Step 3, delivery matters and this is just as important in the response as it was in the original message.  Couples have a tendency to feed off of one another’s energy.  Thus, an original message that comes across as an attack will usually lead to a response message that is also attacking. As stated previously, how something is said is often more important than the actual words that have been said.  This is how small discussions about the placement of a cup in the sink can often devolve into full-blown screaming matches.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• The partner delivers a response that they believe matches the original message delivery, but it does not.
• The partner delivers a response that is overly harsh and does not match the original message delivery which escalates the communication to an argument.
• The partner delivers a response that is underrepresents the important of the original message delivery which escalates the communication because the original partner does not feel heard.

With so many points where communication can break down, it is not surprising that miscommunication can cause so many issues within relationships.  However, there are tips that can help improve the communication between a couple.

Check for Understanding

It is important when you receive a message from your partner that you take a step back and check to make sure that the message you are receiving is the same message they are sending. Often, we interpreted the message different than the original intent and respond based on our misinterpretation. Checking for understanding provides an opportunity to understand what your partner is saying and make sure you are responding to the correct message.

Allow the Original Sender to Edit Their Message

After you have checked for understanding, it may be that the original message was not as clear as it needed to be.  Allowing your partner to edit their original message gives you the opportunity to gain better understanding of the intent of the original message and make sure you are responding appropriately.

Construct a Response Message Based on the Original Message

It is easy within an argument to get caught up on how the message was delivered rather than what the message actually said.  Taking some time to separate the message from how you perceived it gives you the opportunity to respond to the message.  Your perception of the message delivery is also important but should be addressed as a separate topic.

Ask Your Partner to Check Their Understanding

Given all of the ways that miscommunication can occur, it is important to recognize that it can happen on both sides.  Even when we think we are being very clear about what we are saying, there is always the chance that we are not as clear as we would like to be.  Asking your partner to check their understanding of your response, allows you to make corrections to your response message and improves communication.  It also provides an environment where couples understand that miscommunication occurs and both partners take an active role in decreasing miscommunication.

Valentine’s Day may have been last week, but for those in committed relationships your relationship can sometimes feel like Bill Murray’s Groundhog’s Day. Often couples find themselves getting into the same patterns over and over again. The same arguments. The same words. Again and again. While we’ll be sharing a blog post next week that will discuss how to improve communication in couples, I thought I would take the opportunity to share a resource that may be helpful to many couples out there.

If you have been on the internet at all, you have probably seen some meme that talks about “The 5 Love Languages”. If you are unaware of this, I will give you a quick tutorial. Gary Chapman has written (several) books that discuss how people have different languages of love. These languages consist of ways that people like to show love to others as well as how they like to receive love from others. Often couples can have different love languages and this can cause issues within the relationship because we are not getting love the way we would like. According to Gary Chapman, the five love languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Thousands of people have taken the FREE quiz on his website that can tell you what your love language is/which ones you prefer to others. Many people even get their partners to fill out the quiz too. But then what…

Just knowing your partners love language is helpful but not necessarily enough to get you two on the same page. I recently discovered that “there’s an app for that”.

The Love Nudge is an app that allows you to take the love language quiz and sync your profile with your partner. You can set goals to help you engage in actions that will meet your partners love language and they can set goals to help them meet your love language. You can track your love tank and your partner’s love tank over time to see how they are doing. You can literally tell your partner that you love tank is low through the app. How amazing is that!

As a therapist that often works with couples, communication of what you need and where you are is integral to making your relationship last. I’ve just downloaded the app and will be working on it with my husband. I’ll be sure to come back and give a follow up review!