We received a request from one of our Instagram followers to discuss setting healthy boundaries with unhealthy/toxic people.  They must have read our mind!  As we mentioned in our previous post, we have been focusing on setting healthy boundaries this holiday season.  We started that conversation by discussing setting healthy boundaries in general, but it can be especially hard to set healthy boundaries with toxic people.  Below we are going to give you 7 steps to help you set healthy boundaries with toxic people.

1. Identify the toxic person.

This may seem obvious, but it is not as obvious as it may seem.  Sometimes when we are in a toxic relationship or environment we have adjusted to that environment over time until we are unable to identify it is toxic. Environments and people may not have been toxic in the beginning, but rather developed over time.  As such, it may be difficult to identify that the environment or person is actually toxic.

When working with clients, I often tell them that the way to tell if someone or something is toxic for you is to listen to your instincts.  Usually, we get a sensation in our body which will indicate to us that something is wrong. Often, we will disregard that feeling and tell ourselves that we are “overreacting” or that it “nothing”.  But, there is a reason your body is trying to tell you something.  Often, we can sense things beyond what our eyes, ears, and brain can sense.  Listen to your body.  Its job is to protect you and keep you alive.  It knows what it is doing.

2. Understand your emotions, opinion, and values.

We mentioned this in our previous blog post.  This means taking the time, after you listen to your body, and figure out how you feel. What specifically is it that this person is saying or doing that you identify as toxic?  We will talk about this more in future blog posts; however, it is important to define what the problem is for you.  It does not have to be a problem that everyone will agree is a problem, it just needs to be a problem for you.

3. Identify limits.

Once you have identified the problem, identify possible solutions.  For example, if you identify the problems as someone who always wants you to pay for items and not willing to pay for items themselves.  You may decide to set a possible limit as being willing to pay for items 50% of the time.  The solution does not have to be “all or nothing”.  It does not have to be a hard limit.

4. Set limits.

As we mentioned above, the limit does not have to be a hard limit or an ultimatum.  In an ideal world, you would tell the other person your limit and they would respect it or you could have a discussion and set a limit which works for both people.  However, when dealing with people who are particularly toxic, this may not be the case. If you can discuss it with the person and come up with an agreement, this would be the best-case scenario. However, remember that boundaries are a form of self-preservation.  You are try to preserve yourself, not the other person.  These limits are to help you, not to help the other person.

5. Enforce limits.

Enforcing limits is the most difficult part of the process.  It requires you to assertively communicate your limits to another person as well as what you are willing to do if someone does not respect your limits. We will discuss how to construct a statement like this in a later post.

6. Be prepared to walk away.

This is more of a mental step than an actual step.  We have added it as its own step because it is important to come to an understanding within yourself of what you are willing to do to enforce the limit.  If you set a limit and then do not enforce the consequences of that limit, the other person will continue to disregard the limits you have set.  People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.  While you cannot control their actions, you can control how you react and respond.  If someone is not willing to respect your limits, you have the right to limit their role in your life.

7. Walk away, (if necessary).

This may mean physically walking away or various other forms of distancing yourself from the person.  This may be extremely difficult when it comes to family members or close friends.  However, if they cannot respect your limits, they do not need to have 100% access to you.  Walking away may mean limiting the amount of time that you spend with someone. Setting limits on the time that you do spend with them.  Walking away does not necessarily have to come as the result of a huge scene or fight. It can be as subtle as not returning someone’s phone calls as frequently and setting boundaries of how long you will allow a conversation with the person to last before you “need to go”.

Remember, boundaries are about self-preservation.  Be kind to yourself and respect yourself.  Even if it is not perfect, some boundaries are better than no boundaries.

The holidays are upon us. While for many people this is a joyous time filled with family gatherings, love, and great food; this is not the case for everyone.  By now the #thanksgivingclapback memes have started flooding your social media newsfeeds. While they are funny, what they are not is healthy boundaries.

Let’s take a minute to stop and really discuss healthy boundaries within relationships and what that really means.  People often discuss healthy boundaries, but without providing any clear definition and example.  In essence, healthy boundaries are an act of self-preservation.  They are a recognition that you cannot be all things to all people and the recognition that trying to be all things to all people will wear you down. Healthy boundaries are the gray area between “Do whatever you want!” and “No!”.  It is about recognizing your limitations in a way that is respectful to you and someone else.

Healthy boundaries are about valuing your own opinion and values, while also respecting the values and opinions of others.  The thing that makes healthy boundaries so difficult is that it takes a lot of introspection.  In order to respect yourself and your boundaries, you must first know your limits.  Identify how you feel about it and listen to your emotions.  Often our emotions are telling us something important.

Once you understand your emotions, your opinion, and your values; it is time to set your limits. Once you set your limits, enforce them. Be assertive.  Setting limits and enforcing them does not have to be disrespectful to others.  It also does not mean you have to cut people completely out of your life.  It is about understanding how much time, energy, and effort you can put into a relationship and walking away you hit that limit.

Lastly, healthy boundaries are developed over time.  It is not something that you will be able to implement with 100% accuracy the first time you try.  It also takes time to understand what a healthy boundary looks like for you.  Bottom line, healthy boundaries are a learning process.  Be kind to yourself and respect yourself.  Even if it is not perfect, some boundaries are better than no boundaries.

While we have primarily provided content focused on working with children.  We have decided to widen our scope to include information and resources that will be helpful for adults.  We’re switching things up and experimenting with different types of media.  We have added this short video introducing Instagram Therapist.  In this short clip, Instagram Therapist provides some insight on ways that you can change your perspective about events that occur in life. We cannot always control what happens to us in life, but we can control how we feel about it and how much we allow it to impact us.

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It is the beginning of the school year.  For a lot of parents, this means the beginning of Individual Education Plan (IEP) and 504 Meetings.  As a parent of a child with an IEP as well as years of working as a school social worker, I have been on both sides of the IEP table.  Having done so, I can honestly say that IEPs are the WORST.  Seriously! Parents dread them.  Teachers dread them.  School administrators dread them.  They are the worst. However, they are necessary and extremely important. Since you must do it anyway, here are 7 tips to help you get through your next IEP meeting.

1.  Take a deep breath.

This might sound cliché, but IEP meetings can be an emotional rollercoaster. No matter your profession or level of educational attainment, it is never easy to go into a meeting to discuss your child’s struggles in school.  Take a deep breath, a sip of coffee, think about the glass of wine at the end of the day, or whatever else will help you relax.  When your brain is on fire you don’t respond as rationally as you could. Take a deep breath. You got this!

2. Try to go into the meeting as objectively as possible.

This can be difficult. After all, this is your child.  You love them and you are totally biased that they are the best kid ever.  However, it is important to remember that an IEP is an important legal document which details your child’s learning needs, the services the school will provide, specific goals, and how they will be measured.  The school views the meeting as a legal procedure and will act in such a manner.  Try not to be offended by their objective stance.  Going into the meeting with an objective perspective will help you obtain a better understanding of your child’s learning needs and how the school intends to address them.

3. Remember you are PART of the team.

As a parent, it often does not feel like you are actually part of the team. It usually feels like you are sitting in the classroom with Charlie Brown’s teacher, as if the school is having a meeting and you just happened to be present.  As a parent, it is difficult to engage in the process when it seems like the school is speaking another language.  Without a translator, parents can feel disengaged and unnecessary.  However, you are a crucial part of the team.  As the parent, no one knows your child better than you. You may not be able to speak about grade level standards or various interventions, but you can speak to your child’s functioning outside of the school and your concerns.

4. Come prepared.

In some instances, the school may send home documents for you to look over in advance. If so, make sure you read over those documents carefully. If there are areas that are confusing or parts that you question, mark the document with a pen and bring the marked draft to the meeting.  If the school does not send home documents for you to review, bring your own. Write down any questions, comments, or concerns you have and bring them up in the meeting.

5. Ask questions!

If you are unsure about the results of an assessment or the purpose of a goal, ask questions.  If you feel that there are areas in which you are concerned as a parent, but the school is not addressing the concern in the IEP, ask questions. It is easy to get caught up in grade level standards and academic achievement, but it is important to remember that school is about more than tests and grades.  If you have social/emotional concerns, bring those up to the school and make sure those concerns are documented the Parent Concern section of the IEP.

6. Different states do different things.

If you are a  military spouse or someone who moves frequently, you inherently become an expert in various state laws.  Think about it.  You arrive in your new state after your most recent PCS.  You have a driver’s license from one state, the plates on your car are from a different state, and the insurance for your car is from a third state. Heaven forbid you get pulled over, the cops will look at you like you are crazy!

The same goes for state laws when it relates to your child’s IEP. While federal law, IDEA, does set up parameters regarding special education in the public school system, it is up to each state to interpret and determine what that looks like in their school systems.  This means that services may look different from state to state.  It is up to each school to address the needs as listed in the IEP, but it is up to the school to determine how they will address the need. This might mean a change in minutes, service delivery, services provided, placement, and so on.  Ask questions about these changes and make sure if you at least a somewhat clear understanding.

7. Remember you are your child’s advocate!

While the IEP team may create goals and plans for the next year of your child’s life, it is your responsibility to get them all the way to adulthood.  As such, you are extremely invested in your child’s future.  We want our children to adapt and thrive in life no matter what difficulties they may have.  School is an early indicator of these abilities. Ask the school about if there are any difficulties for your child during unstructured/non-instructional times. You want to have a clear understanding of every aspect in which there is concern, not just the academic concerns. Once areas are identified, as the school how they intend to address it. You cannot address a problem if you don’t know it is a problem.