As a couples and family therapist, I find that miscommunication between couples is often the foundation for difficulties within the relationship.  A common complaint I frequently hear between couples is “it’s like we are speaking different languages”, and often that is in fact the case. While there may be a common language, the meaning and interpretation of those words differ depending on the person. I often explain to couples that there are 6 points of communication between couples and miscommunication can occur at any one of these points.

Step 1 – Formulation of Thoughts/Feelings

Many of us tend to think and formulate our thoughts about an event or a feeling we have.  For some people, this is a short process.  For others, it can be a longer process. In general, we tend to have a specific perspective or opinion that we would like to share with another person.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• We do not have a clear formulation of how we feel or what we think about something.
• We have a general idea of how we feel or what we think but we are not able to drill down and determine why we think or feel that way.
• We have a specific idea of how we feel or what we think but are unable to connect it to specific actions of another person.

Step 2 – Constructing the Outgoing Message

Language is complicated. Sometimes it is difficult to determine how we want to word the message we are sending out.  Is it better to use “you” statements or “I” statements?  How strongly should I word my statement?

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• We use a lot of vague wording when constructing our statements.  For example, “It feels like when you…”
• We use too little wording when constructing our statements. For example, “I don’t like that”.
• Our thoughts and feelings seem to be unconnected.  For example, “I am upset with you today for this thing I think you did in the past but is not correlated to a recent event”.

Step 3 – Sending Out the Message

Delivery matters.  The way that a message is sent is often more important than the actual words that are said.  You can say the exact same message but the tone and body language you use with those words can alter the delivery of the message and impact how the message is received to the other person.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• We use overly harsh tone or body language when delivering the message.  It is easy to speak passionately about topics that matter to us, but if we are too passionate in our delivery it can come across as an attack to the other person.
• We use a tone or body language that underrepresents our feelings on the topic.  We use language that indicates that when we are saying is not as important to us as it really might be.  This can make it difficult for your partner to understand how important this topic is to you.

Step 4 – Partner Receives the Message

It is important to remember that two people in a relationship have different brains that stem from the different experiences they have had.  Just because you were clear in your outgoing message, does not mean that the person receiving the message is reading it the way you sent it. They will read your message through the lens of their brain, which means they may make connections or interpretations that are different than your original message.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• The intended message sent from the original person is not interpreted the same way by the receiver.
• The receiver interprets the message with their own understanding and assumptions that may or may not be connected to the original message.
• The history of previous communication with the original person impacts how the current message is being interpreted by the receiver.

Step 5 – Partner Constructs a Response Message

Similar to Step 2, the person who receives the message must also determine how they are going to respond. What types of words should they use? Are their words equal to the words they received in the original message?

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• The partner constructs a message that they feel matches the statement received from the original message, but it does not.
• The partner constructs a message that does not match the statement received from the original message.
• The partner constructs a message that does not appear to relate to the original statement at all.

Step 6 – Partner Sends Out a Response Message

Similar to Step 3, delivery matters and this is just as important in the response as it was in the original message.  Couples have a tendency to feed off of one another’s energy.  Thus, an original message that comes across as an attack will usually lead to a response message that is also attacking. As stated previously, how something is said is often more important than the actual words that have been said.  This is how small discussions about the placement of a cup in the sink can often devolve into full-blown screaming matches.

Miscommunication at this point can occur when:

• The partner delivers a response that they believe matches the original message delivery, but it does not.
• The partner delivers a response that is overly harsh and does not match the original message delivery which escalates the communication to an argument.
• The partner delivers a response that is underrepresents the important of the original message delivery which escalates the communication because the original partner does not feel heard.

With so many points where communication can break down, it is not surprising that miscommunication can cause so many issues within relationships.  However, there are tips that can help improve the communication between a couple.

Check for Understanding

It is important when you receive a message from your partner that you take a step back and check to make sure that the message you are receiving is the same message they are sending. Often, we interpreted the message different than the original intent and respond based on our misinterpretation. Checking for understanding provides an opportunity to understand what your partner is saying and make sure you are responding to the correct message.

Allow the Original Sender to Edit Their Message

After you have checked for understanding, it may be that the original message was not as clear as it needed to be.  Allowing your partner to edit their original message gives you the opportunity to gain better understanding of the intent of the original message and make sure you are responding appropriately.

Construct a Response Message Based on the Original Message

It is easy within an argument to get caught up on how the message was delivered rather than what the message actually said.  Taking some time to separate the message from how you perceived it gives you the opportunity to respond to the message.  Your perception of the message delivery is also important but should be addressed as a separate topic.

Ask Your Partner to Check Their Understanding

Given all of the ways that miscommunication can occur, it is important to recognize that it can happen on both sides.  Even when we think we are being very clear about what we are saying, there is always the chance that we are not as clear as we would like to be.  Asking your partner to check their understanding of your response, allows you to make corrections to your response message and improves communication.  It also provides an environment where couples understand that miscommunication occurs and both partners take an active role in decreasing miscommunication.

Valentine’s Day may have been last week, but for those in committed relationships your relationship can sometimes feel like Bill Murray’s Groundhog’s Day. Often couples find themselves getting into the same patterns over and over again. The same arguments. The same words. Again and again. While we’ll be sharing a blog post next week that will discuss how to improve communication in couples, I thought I would take the opportunity to share a resource that may be helpful to many couples out there.

If you have been on the internet at all, you have probably seen some meme that talks about “The 5 Love Languages”. If you are unaware of this, I will give you a quick tutorial. Gary Chapman has written (several) books that discuss how people have different languages of love. These languages consist of ways that people like to show love to others as well as how they like to receive love from others. Often couples can have different love languages and this can cause issues within the relationship because we are not getting love the way we would like. According to Gary Chapman, the five love languages are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Thousands of people have taken the FREE quiz on his website that can tell you what your love language is/which ones you prefer to others. Many people even get their partners to fill out the quiz too. But then what…

Just knowing your partners love language is helpful but not necessarily enough to get you two on the same page. I recently discovered that “there’s an app for that”.

The Love Nudge is an app that allows you to take the love language quiz and sync your profile with your partner. You can set goals to help you engage in actions that will meet your partners love language and they can set goals to help them meet your love language. You can track your love tank and your partner’s love tank over time to see how they are doing. You can literally tell your partner that you love tank is low through the app. How amazing is that!

As a therapist that often works with couples, communication of what you need and where you are is integral to making your relationship last. I’ve just downloaded the app and will be working on it with my husband. I’ll be sure to come back and give a follow up review!

It’s February and the season of love, but what happens when that “love” is really abuse.  Typically we have a concept of abuse as a person who hits, kicks, punches, and throws things at their partner.  But what if none of those aggressive behaviors are present?  Can it still be abuse?  The short answer is yes.

A few years ago, I attended a conference workshop by Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD in which she discussed the topic of coercive control.

Coercive Control
“It usually includes some combination of degrading, isolating, micromanaging, manipulating, stalking, physically abusing, sexually coercing, threatening, or punishment.  A relationship that should involve loving support ends up a trap designed for domination.  Victims feel anxious, dependent and afraid, deprived of their freedom, self-esteem, and basic rights.”

FONTES (2015)

One of the things that makes coercive control and psychological abuse difficult is that is largely invisible.  People who engage in coercively controlling their partner usually go to great lengths to maintain a good impression to those around them.  They may send flowers to your job so that you coworkers think that you have an amazing partner.  But when you get home you the same person micromanages everything you do, belittle and degrades you, and isolates you from friends and family.

Many people think that only “weak” people get involved in abusive relationships, but this is simply not true.  It can happen to anyone. People who control others often come across as charming, supportive partners.  Acting charming, romantic, and supportive at the beginning of the relationship allows the controlling person to believe that this is the “real them”. Over time, the controlling person will begin to micromanage you, belittle you, degrade you, manipulate you. Victims often go along with what the controlling person wants because they think “If I do what this person says, maybe they will go back to the ‘real them’.” However, as time progresses, the controlling behavior only gets worse.

What might seem like care and concern initially can quickly become a way to keep tabs on their partner. Calling several times to ask where a person is, when will they be home, who they are with.  These seemingly harmless questions can then be used to control where someone is allowed to go, how long they are allowed to stay at certain locations, and who they are allowed to be around.

Is someone controlling you?

• Do you feel threatened?
• Are you afraid to speak up?
• Is your partner constantly jealous or possessive?
• Does your partner try to limit your contact with family and friends?
• Do you work hard to avoid “provoking” a bad reaction in your partner?
• Do you feel ashamed of things your partner does to you or makes you do?

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

A controlling partner often sprinkles moments of romance, love, and connection into their controlling behavior. These periods are meant to lull the partner into believing that the good times are great and they just need to tough it out through the bad times. Partners often see these bright spots as an indication that things could improve. However, these bright moments are usually brief and the controlling behaviors quickly resumes. Even when a partner does want to leave, there are often several factors that kept them trapped such as feelings of love, children, and circumstances.

Additionally, leaving is often the most dangerous time for a trapped partner as they are usually threats of violence and destruction of the trapped partner’s reputation.

If the trapped partner does attempt to leave the relationship, often a controlling partner will make promises to change to keep the trapped partner in the relationship. But, ultimately no changes are actually made. They may continue to blame you for how you “made” them react or try to get sympathy from your family and friends. They may say that they cannot change without your love and support. These tactics are merely meant to keep the trapped partner in the relationship.

What to do if you find yourself in an abusive relationship and you want to end the relationship.

• Seek support from domestic violence agencies, therapy, medical help, police and advocates.
• Create a safety plan.
• Protect your money and your children.

While it may seem that you will never be able to escape a controlling relationship, recovery is possible.

Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

Fontes, L. A. (2015). Invisible chains – overcoming coercive control in your intimate relationshi. Guilford Publications.

This month we have been discussing “Creating the Life You Want”. In our first blog post, we discussed setting the foundation for change by forgiving yourself.  We discussed the importance of being kind and realistic with yourself in the process of forgiving your self.  In our second blog post of the month, we highlighted this process through a book review on Michelle Obama’s book, Becoming.  In this blog post, we plan on getting down to the details of how you determine and achieve the life you want also known as goal setting.

Goal setting in and of itself sounds relatively easy.  You determine a goal and set that as your goal.  Many of us do this as part of our yearly routine through new year’s resolutions. However, many of us also find ourselves coming up short and not reaching the goals that we have set for ourselves. As briefly discussed in our first blog post, often we set unrealistic goals and then become discouraged when we do not meet our unrealistic goals.

How do we know if our goal is unrealistic?  In our first blog post we used an example of someone who was not going to the gym at all and then set a goal of going to a gym five days a week for one hour a session. This is a change from 0 minutes of exercise to 300 minutes of exercise per week.  While it is possible, it is a big increase from your normal activities. While you may be able to make a 300 minute adjustment for the first week, you may quickly find yourself not meeting the mark and becoming discouraged.

For those of us who set the annual goal to lose weight, we often set new year’s resolutions which include increased exercise with diet change.  We maybe maintain the new diet and exercise plan for a week or two, but then slowly and surely begin to revert to our old ways.  Why does this happen?  In short, we attempted to make too many changes at one time.  Completely overhauling your life is a difficult task and while it may start of great, it is usually not sustainable.

 

If you cannot define your goal, how do you know when you have achieved it?

 

Before we go into great detail about breaking goals into achievable increments, we should start with how to operationally define your goals.  This may sound fancy, but it is really about taking some time to really think about your goal.

I often ask my client’s the “magic question”: “If you were to wake up tomorrow and someone had waved a magic wand and ______________ was no longer a problem.  How would you know _________ had changed?  Would you feel different?  What would be different in your life?”

This may seem like odd questioning, but the purpose of the question is to get you to think about how you define the problem in your life through your experience (your feelings, how the problem manifests in your everyday life, etc.) and how to measure change.

For example, if your goal is weight loss.  You may notice that your weight had changed on a scale.  You may notice that your clothing is fitting looser.  You might feel more happy or confident in yourself. You might notice other people complimenting you on how much weight you have loss.

 

Change is more sustainable when it is broken down into smaller achievable increments. The more successful you are at achieving a goal, the more likely you are to continue to strive toward the goal.

 

Once you have set your goal, it is time to start breaking it down into small achievable increments. In a weight loss scenario this might be deciding to change your diet or deciding to increase the amount of time you are exercising.  I usually suggest breaking your goal down into two smaller objectives and then breaking those objectives into two smaller tasks.

For example:

GOAL: Lose 10 pounds.

Objective 1: Increase Exercise.

Task 1: Increase daily steps on fitness tracker.

Task 2: Start Couch to 5K run program.

Objective 2: Change Diet

Task 1: Drink 64 oz of water per day.

Task 2: Start tracking calories.

Breaking your larger goal into smaller objectives and tasks help you work incrementally towards implementing your goals.  Instead of attempting to implement all of these changes at one time.  It would be more effective to start by increasing water intake one week and then increasing steps on fitness tracker the next week. Once you have been successful with those two tasks, you can add in tracking your calories.  After you have successfully implemented those tasks for a few weeks, it might be a good time to start your couch to 5k program.

Phasing in changes gives you time to master one step before you add more difficulty, it also gives you the opportunity to reassess your goals and determine whether or not the task, objective, and goal are realistic.  For example, you may determine after attempting to get 10,000 steps on your fitness tracker that you are only able to get 5,000 steps per day.  It might be better to scale your goal down to 7,500 steps and attempt to reach that goal instead of beating yourself up for not reaching 10,000 steps.

Never be afraid to adjust your goals in light of real data that says that your goals maybe unrealistic. The more realistic your goal, the more likely you are to successfully achieve it.